Memories

Last year, two days after my son's birthday, I lost my Grandma. My Grandma was my rock. My steadfast norm in a world that was sometimes so crazy. It has been nearly a year and it has been hard. As hard as I thought. Sometimes not as hard as I would have expected, but other times it is awful.

There are days I would give ANYTHING to pick up the phone and hear her voice.

Today I received the best Christmas gift. My Aunt who lives far away from me emailed me several of my Grandma's favorite recipes, some of my childhood memories. Things like Beer Cheese Soup and Kringlers. Recipes that you don't just pull off line. I cried. Tears of sadness and tears of joy.

Such a small gesture will probably be the best gift I receive this year. Not because it shimmers, not because it had an expensive price tag, but because it is a little piece of her.

Grandma, I miss you. So much. I think about you all the time. I wish you could see Keith. I wish I could see you.

Christmas time is here.

With all the Joy's and tears.

Tears for many of us who deal with infertility as some celebrate without a child again. Tears for some of us who deal with infertility as we realize the true gift we have been given by God in allowing our treatments to work and giving us a child.

I am one of those lucky ones. Doodle will be 2 next month and my husband and I are hoping to make ours a family of 4 sometime after the new year. Each time a holiday hits I find myself choking up over little moments and small traditions. Choking up because I am so lucky to have a child to experience these things with. Choking up because it easily could have been the other way.

I teared up this spring watching him search for Easter Eggs, again this fall while carving Jack-O-Lanterns, and again while decorating our Christmas tree.

I can only imagine what it will feel like watching his excitement Christmas morning, baking Christmas Cookies together for Santa, and snuggling next to the fire watching our Christmas favorites.

I am so Thankful.

God Blessed us..

Forgetful

It amazes me how much a person is able to forget so quickly. It was nearly 3 years ago when we began our IVF process. It was nearly 2 that I had my son. The pains of labor have faded (although I had what I consider to be a good experience once it started) and I have nearly forgotten a process that consumed my life for over a year. I knew it all; the discussion board abbreviations, the different medications, how long you take your stimulants.. I barely remember any of it..

A journey less traveled.

Our Doodlebot is 20 months old today and I didn't even realize it until nearly 7:30pm. Its funny that 3 years of our lives revolved around getting him here, but now that he is we have quickly forgotten.

We started trying for children on our wedding day and I was sure even before then that due to my being on the Depo shot we would have troubles. Little did I know the journey we were in for.

After a year of negative pregnancy tests, unwanted periods, and lots of "it will happen when it happens" we began seeking treatment for our infertility. This process is fuzzy now, over 2 1/2 years later.

After a bout with infertility meds, an unnecessary biopsy, a smart OBGYN, and a good referral we ended up at our RE's office to learn that it was not "hopeless" for us to have children. ICSI was the process we would be going through and we would start in April.

I hate needles. They terrify me. My husband gave me shots daily (a friend or two stepped in to help with it as necessary). I bloated full of eggs, I waddled, I had 30 something eggs named by my OBGY in an ultra sound and then retrieved by my RE during my egg retrieval. I saw pictures of my eggs developing into embryos. I had 2 of them transferred into my uterus. I had a low HCG, but still a positive. It was gone nearly as soon as it happened. I cried. We cried. It was awful.

We unthawed everything we had left 2 weeks later. Only 1 embryo of many was good enough to transfer. We did it. I had a higher HCG level. It stuck. I cried. We cried. It was wonderful.

I LOVED being pregnant. Best experience before motherhood of my life. I have an amazing birth story.. That is for another time. He is 20 months old and I am ready to start again.

Soon..
But slowly..
Just like last time...
I won't say when...
But I hope you will join me on my journey less traveled.